Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
You Might Also Like
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Thursday
listen closely
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.