@BoogTweets

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

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@Darlainky

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

@heatherjs

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

@NewDadNotes

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

@Quartzjixler

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

@Fred_Delicious

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

@BPMbadassmama

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

@ObscureGent

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

@fat_sket

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands