Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
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one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”