*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
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*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Tough love is true love
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands