cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Ok, but like, how married are you?
…..pretty much.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
These fireworks are awesome! High four!