COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
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“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage