Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
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how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.