ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
You Might Also Like
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns