Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
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teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Eventually one of these Republican congressmen is going to find out his daughter is a woman, and then we’re all set.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
If any of you guys are considering law school, please keep in mind I passed the bar exam in multiple states & now I’m a purple hippo online
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.