COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
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McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party