@ericsshadow

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

You Might Also Like

@MissSassy_Pants

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

@MarfSalvador

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

@ReelQuinn

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

@thepunningman

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

@UtilityLimb

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

@anildash

Eventually one of these Republican congressmen is going to find out his daughter is a woman, and then we’re all set.

@PleaseBeGneiss

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

@Tobi_Is_Fab

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

@NicestHippo

If any of you guys are considering law school, please keep in mind I passed the bar exam in multiple states & now I’m a purple hippo online

@causticbob

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.