Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don’t have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
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Watch as i slowly pull my shirt up over – wait, stuck in the too-small neckhole…struggling…
Okay, dont watch.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[buying cucumber and vaseline]
me: got an awesome night planned
[later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich]
this is awful
BARISTA: I have an order for…God? Is there a God?
[no one answers]
ATHEIST: Haha told ya
GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I’m here
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Feels like the fourth month in January