@PleaseBeGneiss

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

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@bwebster76

Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don’t have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?

@Edie_Is_Dead

Watch as i slowly pull my shirt up over – wait, stuck in the too-small neckhole…struggling…
Okay, dont watch.

@Flora__Flora

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

@ruinedpicnic

[buying cucumber and vaseline]
me: got an awesome night planned
clerk: eugh
[later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich]
this is awful

@Home_Halfway

BARISTA: I have an order for…God? Is there a God?
[no one answers]
ATHEIST: Haha told ya
GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I’m here
ATH: Shit

@markydoodoo

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

@thetigersez

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

@flashember

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*