COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
You Might Also Like
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M