Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
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ME: Would you like a snack?
4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle
Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…