@SondraDeeMe

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

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@TheCatWhisprer

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

@therealeatwood

ME: Would you like a snack?

4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

@chuuew

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

@LMLMadness

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

@mommajessiec

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

@BradBroaddus

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

@TheToddWilliams

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

@ThatMummyLife

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…