COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
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David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.