COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
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I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
The options really are this bad
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread