[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
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[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.