[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
You Might Also Like
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Camping tip: No.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out