Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
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Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.