Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
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Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.