Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
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As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
wife: I really thought you were the father
me: how could you do this to me?
wife’s grey and black lover: I told y’all
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.