@joeygllghr

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

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@anylaurie16

Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.

@LordofScribble

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

@murrman5

[during ultrasound]
wife: I really thought you were the father
me: how could you do this to me?
wife’s grey and black lover: I told y’all

@stockejock

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

@JediGigi

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

@TheAlexNevil

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

@dorsalstream

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

@KimmyMonte

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

@ayyyyloser

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

@dave_cactus

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.