COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
You Might Also Like
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Would you wear it?
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.