Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
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I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same