Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
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I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
My first son he is wonderful
The Struggle
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My purse is deeper than some people.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
next level snooze
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.