Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
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The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California.
Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too?
Me: and Saturn.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
“I am leg end” – a foot