Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
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If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
as is their right
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.