COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
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Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot