cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
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My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long