Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
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Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Try and stop me.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.