My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
You Might Also Like
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
date: why are u talking to me like i’m a news anchor
me: sorry i do it when i’m nervous. back to you, karen.
Well, I made another trip around the sun. Might as well eat cake.
I’ll always be here for you….
Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there.
Then I’ll be over there for you.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.
[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.