Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
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A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Oh my god
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”