Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

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My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.


her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom


HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–


date: why are u talking to me like i’m a news anchor

me: sorry i do it when i’m nervous. back to you, karen.


I’ll always be here for you….
Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there.
Then I’ll be over there for you.


*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?


Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?


[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?




I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.