@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

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@Sassafrantz

My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.

@clichedout

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

@ElleOhHell

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

@ch000ch

date: why are u talking to me like i’m a news anchor

me: sorry i do it when i’m nervous. back to you, karen.

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

I’ll always be here for you….
Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there.
Then I’ll be over there for you.

@squirrel74wkgn

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

@DaddyJew

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

@JessObsess

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.