Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
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Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.