Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
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magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
“No way.” -Jose
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.