angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
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The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
🤔😂😂
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.