Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
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Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one