Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
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Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
We need to put an American base on the sun
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me