Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
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After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
what kind of cook setting is this??
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
when you are just born a rebel
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what