Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.