I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
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i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
yall want some gasoline milk
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*