Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
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In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
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