I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
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“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.
Wait. What? You need two people for sex? What does the other one do?
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.
I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I’m calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*