Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
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i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
yeet
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “