@goolicker
There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails,
but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.
@JasonLastname
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: Like six carrot juices
Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel
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@goolicker
@david8hughes
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
@Kyle_Lippert
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
@AlisonLeiby
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
@geowizzacist
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
@junejuly12
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
@phalguy
10: What does AF mean?
After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?10: Mom said you were lazy AF.
@SuperRandomish
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
@caithuls
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too