Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
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Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.