@JasonLastname

Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: Like six carrot juices
Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel

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@goolicker

There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails,

but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.

@david8hughes

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

@Kyle_Lippert

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

@AlisonLeiby

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

@geowizzacist

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

@junejuly12

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

@phalguy

10: What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?

10: Mom said you were lazy AF.

@SuperRandomish

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

@caithuls

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too