Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: Like six carrot juices
Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel

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There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails,

but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.


The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.


Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.


I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.


(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over


Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point


10: What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?

10: Mom said you were lazy AF.


Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.


A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too