Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
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The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp