@SimplySnaccbar

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

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@TheCamelToe_

Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we’re thinking.

@leez_rat

Ur hot plz marry me.
*no reply*
OH MY GOSH SORRY FOR THE POCKET TEXT LMAO

@UnFitz

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

@mack44_d

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

@BevisSimpson

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

@Schindizzle

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

@cal_gif

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

@Super_Cynthia

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND