My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
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Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.