“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
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[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
*frowns in Scottish*
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.