Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
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We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Florida be like…
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..