COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
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I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.