COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

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Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.


*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here



Calling me instead of just texting


Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER

Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes

Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.


Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women


Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down


Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*


Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…


broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him


Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.