COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

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*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched


Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don’t let them see the gun.


Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼


Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.


[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.


Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.


Good cop: license and registration please

Perp: I’m sorry was I speeding

Dad Cop: hi sorry was I speeding, I’m dad.


A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic


I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.