@panmidwest

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

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@tanialunreal

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

@fro_vo

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

@funnyordie

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

@hoops_Daddy

Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER

Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes

Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.

@House_Feminist

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

@ClichedOut

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

@freypalm

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

@TheBoydP

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

@dril

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

@werehedgehog

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.