Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
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*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Calling me instead of just texting
Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER
Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes
Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.