cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
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Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I don’t hate children, just yours.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.