COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

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If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot


Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?


When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.


Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out


Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?


“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon


hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?


when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie