COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
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Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass