Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
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Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Smoked a cigar
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”
And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.