cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
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It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.