cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

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you ever been stalking someone on insta and you see a pic that you’ve liked and have that “omg did i do that just now or a while ago” moment


DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.


*to the tune of Losing My Religion*
That’s me in the corner
That’s me at the cheese plate
Eating all your crackers


If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.


Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.


M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.


If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.