Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
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My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Cake safety first. Always.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness