@fro_vo

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

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@Smooheed

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

@WilliamAder

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

@iamstphn

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

@wittwitbarista

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

@underchilde

I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.

@ThaJawn

My dog just ate the last piece of pizza but of course when we were ordering and I asked who wanted some, she didn’t say shit

@Hobo_Splendido

Girlfriend and I always got excited about going to a hotel so we could each have our own bed

@jonnysun

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

@LeviathanPride

Why did the US invade Iraq when Steven Seagal’s ponytail contains 85% of the worlds natural resources?

@Darlainky

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.