“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
You Might Also Like
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.
My dog just ate the last piece of pizza but of course when we were ordering and I asked who wanted some, she didn’t say shit
Girlfriend and I always got excited about going to a hotel so we could each have our own bed
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Why did the US invade Iraq when Steven Seagal’s ponytail contains 85% of the worlds natural resources?
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.