When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
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At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
That’s not how days work.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.