@noog

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

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@iamspacegirl

Spider-Man, hanging right in front of your face when you turn on the bathroom light.

@conarck

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

@AmishPornStar1

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

@dafloydsta

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

@deankarrier

Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape

@SirEviscerate

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

@shkeeber

Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich!
Judge: What?
M: I plead insanity.
J: You’re a juror.
Me: Can I go?
J: No.
M: OBJECTION!

@RbenzHF

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.