@noog

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

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@Parentpains

My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn’t a joke its a cry for help.

@KalvinMacleod

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

@GrantTanaka

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

@Elizasoul80

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

@OctopusCaveman

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

@daemonic3

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

@momjeansplease

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

@fishbowel

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

@d_duhwit

Wife*comes home*: What’s that noise?
Me: U said to give Tim an anvil
Wife: ADVIL! He should be in bed
Me: but..he’s almost finished my sword