The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Cop: Painted blue?
Cop: With nails glued on?
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
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My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn’t a joke its a cry for help.
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Me: what is my final challenge
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Wife*comes home*: What’s that noise?
Me: U said to give Tim an anvil
Wife: ADVIL! He should be in bed
Me: but..he’s almost finished my sword