Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
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Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Solving a traffic jam
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.