COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
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Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
💻🤡
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.