Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
My wife: So… how are you?
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
You Might Also Like
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
This is probably the worst spam ad I’ve ever gotten
My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.