@pilau

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

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@NEthingButWork

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

@mommajessiec

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

@TheMichaelRock

I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. My wife is in for a treat tonight.

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

@ItsAndyRyan

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

@RileyRedRose

billie eilish, carly rae jepsen, and miley cyrus should form a pop group called billie rae cyrus

@3sunzzz

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.